Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy!
I never thought I would beg a boy with dried oatmeal on his face to kiss me.
I also never thought I would plead with anyone to lie still while I have the honor of wiping his poopy butt.
I had a feeling I would say things like “Don’t color on the windows.”
And I do.
Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy!
Teno is obsessed with Blue’s Clues. I don’t know how it happened. one day we were spending $500 on stupid wooden trains because he was all about “Toot Toot” (Thomas the Tank Engine) and the next day I’m taping paper paw prints to my wall just to hear Teno say, “Oh, a coo!” and then scurry to collect his Handy Dandy Notebook.
It’s hilarious, I have to admit. He’s on a never-ending quest to find the perfect notebook. Requirements include a spiral on top large enough to fit a crayon through and plenty of pages on which to scribble clues. He has two actual Blue’s Clues brand notebooks, but that doesn’t stop him from always wanting the ones he sees in the store or from stealing my sketchbooks.
Teno no longer simply walks from place to place- he skiddoos everywhere. If you have somehow escaped every seeing an episode of Blue’s Clues, Blue “skiddoos” into books with a little dance that either Steve or Joe calls a skiddoo. A very similar dance is done when the characters get mail and when they figure out Blue’s Clues. So it’s just non-stop skiddooing over here with Teno. To skiddoo, you bend your knees a little bit, throw your elbows around almost like you’re moshing and walk sideways with a goofy look on your face.
Oh, and the other weird side effect of Blue’s Clues is that every single day we have to write Teno a letter and seal it in an envelope with a sticker where a stamp goes so it looks real. Then Teno does the “we just got a letter” dance and opens the letter and pretends to read it. If there are numbers on the envelope he says, “Oh, two. Two. Six? Two? Six?” Those are the two numbers he knows. Also a gang in Joliet. I don’t know if they’re still around, but they were when I was a kid.
I keep reminding Tony that we need to learn our lesson from the five-second Thomas obsession and NOT buy Teno every Blue thing he sees. Well, he already bought Teno a hide and seek Blue and made him the skateboard you see up there. It’s a real skateboard from AWH, Tony just painted it and cut the griptape to make a clue. So we’re trying to keep the merch under control this time.
As I type this Teno is actually pushing around his trains and singing “toot toot.” I really tried to push Yo Gabba Gabba on him, but he’s not interested. In turn, I’ve decided not to have a theme for Teno’s birthday party outside of “stuff Teno likes.” So the invites have squirrels on them because he lose his mind over the squirrels in our yard and we’ll just have all his favorite foods and stuff. No Blue’s Clues paper plates or Yo Gabba Gabba cupcakes (mostly because I like that show, Teno doesn’t.)
Well, time to get most of my cereal taken away from me by an almost-two-year old who is nearly as big as me.
Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy!
Today I mentioned to Tony that I couldn’t wait until Teno got excited about going to places like Superdawg, our local old timey drive-thru. When I babysat Lila almost every Friday was “SUPERDAWWWWWWG!” And then she would do this dance that went “hot dog mommy, regular mommy, hot dog mommy, regular mommy, now I’m a shake! Now I’m fries!” For like, $5 her dad was her hero once a week. I look forward to such bribery.
We figured Jo’s never been to Superdawg and worst case scenario, Teno hates it and we’re already in the car so we can just drive home. Turns out, Teno is not too young to love Superdawg. He LOVED it. Mostly he liked sitting in the front seat and pushing all the buttons and pretending to drive. I tried to make him look at the giant, glowing hot dogs the entire time we sat there and he was far more interested in the gum Tony had in the glove compartment.
He ended up basically eating fries and a vanilla milkshake for dinner, but whatever. It was the first meal Tony and I haven’t had to rush through in ages and it’s just fun to sit there and pretend you aren’t in Chicago for five seconds.
Teno’s pre-bath period has recently become known as “nakie craz-o time.” He takes most of his won clothes off, diaper and everything, and just runs around screaming and making animal noises and throwing himself on the floor and rolling. Tonight he was running around ass naked with a pair of camo sunglasses on. He kept them on in the tub.
We settled on a Yo Gabba Gabba party even though a couple we know did the same thing for their kid’s birthday party last year. I was trying to find a way to make Thomas the Tank Engine less gay and it’s just not possible. Cinders and ashes Thomas sucks! Bust my buffers, I really hate it! Grease and oil!
I think I’m more fond of Yo Gabba Gabba than Teno is, but whatever, he’ll eat the shit out of a DJ Lance Rock cupcake and that’s all that really matters.
Ask Teno for any Thomas the Tank engine character and he’ll bring you the right one. He was too busy playing with them to give them to me in this video sometimes, but I think his genius is quite clear.
crazy face
Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy!
The other night when I was getting him ready for bed, Teno grabbed the Vicks vapor rub and tried to rub it into his butthole.
The end.
Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy!
So, this is how Teno let me know he was ready for a new diaper today. Actually, I don’t know why he did this because his diaper was dry. I was frosting cupcakes, which, but the way, he refused to lose sight of until they were cool enough to eat, and he wandered away to watch Thomas for a minute. Then he walked back into the kitchen with his pants around his ankles. I added the cupcake, obviously, because I don’t think he’d appreciate me publicizing his wiener.
I think I’m just going to give up on bread all together and just start serving Teno piles of peanut butter and jelly with a spoon. Today I let him try a Nutella sandwich and he pulled it apart, licked all the chocolate out and high tailed it out of there.
Yesterday he found my stash of dark chocolate and went to town, and then today, as I mentioned, he freaked out about wanting a spice cake with ginger cream cheese until I just gave up and let him have one for lunch. What kind of two year old loves dark chocolate and huge chunks of real ginger? I’m afraid all of my old lady language has turned him into an actual old lady. I guess the real test will be to watch Golden Girls reruns and see if he likes them as much as Thomas. (I like the Golden Girls.)
Here’s Teno’s latest music video.
cooling cupcakes
Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy!
I think this particular two weeks I had off between the fall semester and my winter session was the most eventful two weeks in Teno’s life. He says like, 15 new words since my last day of classes. I can’t even think of them all but here are the ones I can remember:
Dah! (Dad, for Tony)
Mama (Hooray, I got him to call me Mama!)
Neh Neh! (sometimes this is Jo, his grandma, and sometimes this is just something he wants.)
Done! (This is what he says as he pushes his plate away from him at the table or launches an empty sippy cup across the room.)
Dip Dip (Dip Dip, his favorite toy.)
Toot toot! (Thomas the Tank Engine)
Buh! (the bus)
wuh wuh (what doggies say)
meow (um, what kitties say)
No! (this was his first word, I believe)
Uh oh! (about things that are rarely accidents)
foot
new (nose)
poo
That’s all I can think of right now, there are new ones every day, though.
I never successfully took Teno to Molly’s Cupcakes during my break, and I have class Monday-Friday for the next three weeks so I don’t think that’s going to happen until spring semester starts at the end of the month. This is my last semester, I graduate in the summer so it’s going to be a gnarly one. Teno’s going to see a lot more Neh Neh and a lot less Mama, I feel really terrible about that. I suppose once I start working somewhere (fingers crossed that it’s Time Out Chicago because it’s one of the only Chicago magazines that ever says anything funny) that’s how it’s going to be. I guess that’s how most people have it, I’ve been spoiled with all this mommy-Teno time.
Oh, he just pulled the step stool over to where the cupcakes are in the kitchen. What a monkey.
Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy!
Do you have $17 burning a hole in your pocket?
Would you like to be totally embarrassed in front of people who already think you’re a total scumbag?
Do you have an entire day’s worth of work to do but you’d rather waste it on the El listening to a 21 month old scream in your face?
Well then, my friend, take Teno to the Shedd Aquarium, it’s just what you’re looking for!
After obsessing over my dad’s fish tank on Christmas I thought Teno would lose it at the Aquarium. I took him once when he was about nine months old, but he was just a lump then and I didn’t get a big response. I drug him all the way down there today, it was two bus rides and one very long El ride, and he was absolutely hateful the entire time. He refused to look at any fish except for one snapping turtle, which is not a fish but you know what I mean. Then we accidentally walked into the dolphin show, which Teno screamed through. I had to take him out before it even really started, and then I got yelled at by the door guardian person. Of course I yelled back, but it was still embarrassing.
He was Captain Miserable all the way home, then he ate some lunch and cheered up. I even got three full-on kisses tonight. Pucker and everything.
I want to take him to Molly’s Cupcakes tomorrow, I heard they have a sprinkle station, but I have to finish up this cosmetic dentistry story for Mint Magazine. So that might be the big plans for this week end.
teno, anna and patrick
Originally uploaded by lynnerm2001
Well, it’s almost X-mas and Teno has no idea what the hell is going on. All he knows is he’s been eating cookies for days and days and people keep giving him things.
We had the Mau family x-mas jamboree last night and I was very relieved to see Teno playing with all my cousins’ kids and not being a weirdo or anything. He hangs out with me all the time, so I wasn’t sure if he’d even know what to do around other children. He basically sees other babies at parties he hosts and attends. Otherwise, it’s all grown-ups all the time. But he had fun with my cousin Shari’s daughter Anna and she was very sweet with him. I think maybe she reminded him of Lila who I know he misses.
The other little boy in this picture is my cousin Josh’s girlfriend’s little boy Patrick. He’s six, can you believe that? He’s almost as big as me. He wanted to give me a hug but was too shy to ask me for one so my aunt asked me to go hug him. I did, and afterwards figured out that he probably wanted to hug me because he thought I was a pirate. That’s ok, it beats my cousin Louie’s little one Dylan running away from Tony because he thought he was Santa Claus. Ahh ha ha ha. That still entertains me.
Teno’s latest obsession has been Thomas the Tank Engine so he got a whole mess of that stuff this year. We did Slater x-mas tonight because none of us felt like waiting another two days to open presents. So Teno spent the evening eating my mom’s Christmas cookies for dinner and throwing really expensive wooden trains on the floor.
Being the Birthday Queen, I have already started planning Teno’s second birthday party. At first I was thinking Thomas because of the obsession, but sigh… Thomas is so boring. By then he’ll probably have more of an opinion about what kind of cake he wants. I’m hoping I can talk him into a viking/barbarian party. He stomps around and breaks everything like a little viking, it would be perfect.
Off to bed, I’m tired from saying things like, “aww, that’s so cute!” and “Teno, that is enough chocolate already!”
Personally, I love to judge books by their covers. Literally, I pick up a book, look at it, decide if it’s boring or not, and either read it or don’t based solely on the cover. That’s how I do it and it’s been a pretty accurate system in all the time I’m been reading, which a pretty long time considering what a brilliant child I was. Perhaps you’ve heard of me? My name is Doogie Howser.
I do it with people too, which is pretty stupid considering how much I hate it when people decide they know what I’m all about based on the way I look. For years I was subjected to everyone’s inane drinking and partying stories because they assumed if you have a bunch of tattoos you just rage constantly. When I grew my hair out of what a friend once referred to as the “gunshot wound to the head look” (all spiky and crazy in the back and neatly combed in the front- it was mid-90’s hardcore, excuse me for being fashionable) I found myself being lumped in with rockabilly girls, and therefore gifted all things flaming cherry and emblazoned with dice. Well, I do like some psychobilly and country, but I’d much rather listen to Cannibal Corpse and bake a cake. But anyway… that’s what people do, myself included.
Now that I’m a mom the big question I get is “what are you going to do when Teno wants a tattoo?” I have two answers to this. First, Teno isn’t going to want a tattoo because his mom and dad have them and most of our friends are covered in them. To Teno, tattoos are going to be what classic rock was to me. Like, my mom rules but I have a very vivid memory of her listening to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young once when I was a kid and I asked, disgusted, “What is this?” “This is rock n’ roll,” she said.
And that is when I knew I hated rock n’ roll.
Luckily, our taste in music has found a happy medium now, and along with some punk rock my mom still likes Eric Clapton and stuff she was into when it was just rock instead of classic rock. (I’m going to get in trouble for that one.) But someday Teno is going to make fun of Public Enemy and Tony is going to seriously question “kids these days.”
The second answer is this: if Teno does decide to get a tattoo despite the fact that his lame parents have tons of them- who fucking cares? What do you think I’d think of that? I mean, look at me. Do you think it would make me cry? Maybe if he got tribal or like, a Playboy bunny or something I’d be a little bummed, but otherwise what could I possibly have to say about it?
The other thing people ask me a lot- and this one is totally from assumptions based on my appearance- is “what if Teno grows up to be a jock?” These are obviously questions from people who are unaware that straight edge people, especially people who have been down as long as Tony and I, are like, the jock bullies of punk rock. Tony had a crew cut and wore polos for the majority of his youth. We’re not exactly spiky-belt and mohawk punk rockers. We’re as conservative as people with knuckle tattoos get. Our politics are liberal, but as far as our lifestyle- we hang out at home watching Thomas the Tank Engine and we’re in bed by 11pm. Personally, I love football, and Tony likes basketball- so if Teno plays sports we’ll be there, at every game, flipping out and scaring the other moms and dads. And if he plays baseball or soccer I’ll get over how much they bore me and be there cheering him on too. The thing is, there’s nothing Teno could do or not do that would change how much I love him or how proud of him I am.
I’m sure there are things I did- or wore, specifically- that made my parents cringe. But no matter what kick I was on, if I was wearing giant pants and Madball jerseys or ripped jeans and GWAR shirts they always loved me and they were always ready to defend my right to be who I am. My mom still tells me how proud she is of me for doing what I want. I know my life might have been “easier” had I just listened to the Rolling Stones and drank beer with all the assholes I went to high school with, but it wouldn’t have made me happy. Going to see my friends shitty bands and playing Tekken II all night is what made me happy. I’m sure it was a bummer when I dropped out of college and just sort of fucked around for a few years, but I was always free to do what I wanted to and no one ever pushed me. That’s why now that I am back in school I’m getting A’s and doing really well. Because I want to.
So, Teno’s going to do what he wants. If he wants to work at an ice cream store until he’s 30, fine. Whatever. If he’s happy I’m proud of him. If he wants to go to French Pastry School and open a patisserie, awesome. (My fingers are crossed.) I always joke that the only thing he could do to bum me out is grow a tech beard and listen to house music, and that would kind of suck… or he could rollerblade. Oh Christ, I don’t even want to think about that. But anyway, Teno’s going to do awesome stuff and even when he’s a boner I’m going to love him and be proud of him because he’s Teno and he rules.
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