In a cruel twist of fate, The Slaters discovered Teno’s favorite place on Earth only a few weeks before that place was set to close its doors forever. Teno thought he knew what he was getting into, but he had no idea.

There were thrills & spills!

Death-defying acts of courage!

Check out Teno on his first roller coaster.

Free Mt. Dew!

Cannibal hot dogs!

Underage drivers!

Man-eating cotton candies!

It will leave you comatose.

Steve’s Going to College – the terrifying true story of being Teno Slater’s mom. Available for pre-sale now through DeadXStop Publishing. 

If I wasn’t already familiar with Chicago mass transit from my 10 years here, I would be pro now thanks to Teno. When we don’t have anything else to do, we hop the Brown Line and ride around the city. He knows which stop has the best donuts (Kimball.) He also knows where we get off to go to Angel Food Bakery (Montrose.)

I’m really excited for Teno to be a city kid and grow up doing this sort of thing. I just hope he doesn’t become a Latin King or anything.

Thanks to everyone who made Teno’s third birthday super special. And now, a song by one Teno Slater…

Teno

Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy

Holy f-ing crap, Teno is almost three.

Sometimes I wonder where the time went, but mostly I can’t believe this kid’s only three and yet, somehow, I’ve managed to age 10 years. Who needs a good night’s rest and a dinner slowly digested as opposed to shoveled in while someone pulls on my arm yelling, “Mama! Garfield game! Halp!” anyway? Not me.

It has been quite a year in Slater history- mama graduated from college and got a sweet gig at an eco-friendly company, we moved into a lovely new condo and daddy threw away all of his grey shirts! Meanwhile, Teno learned about 1000 new words, discovered ultra-violent old-timey cartoons and developed a shameful chocolate milk habit.

03-17-06 Birthday of the Beast

Teno jumped off his toy box for about 30 minutes straight tonight, but it was OK because he was wearing his skateboard helmet. He also tried to sleep in his helmet, you know, just in case he crashed in his train bed- but we were jerks and we wouldn’t let him.

fake rollercoaster

Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy

To our horror, Teno has become obsessed with Garfield. Around here, he’s known as Arfield. More specifically, Shweppy Arfield (Stripey Garfield.)

This new obsession entails:
-insisting that the entire family crawls around on the floor and underneath tables
-wearing striped shirts at all times
-watching Garfield Gets Real every morning at 7am sharp

It does not entail:
-hating Mondays
-eating lasagna
-kicking dogs

Being the enabler he is, Tony immediately bought Teno both Garfield movies, which he doesn’t watch. Instead he watches Space Buddies, Most Valuable Primate and the first 20 minutes or so of Wall-E. He also likes Babe, but manages to scratch it so badly that we cringe every time he asks to watch it.

In conclusion, Teno has terrible, awful, no good taste in movies. He is, however, extremely cute.

daddy & Teno

Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy

Teno just took – by far – the biggest poop anyone has ever taken, ever. I found him behind the couch a few minutes ago and thought the living room was stinkier than usual.

“Poop mama. Poop. Big big! Push! Push a big big poop!”

“Should we change your diaper?”

“OK change diaper.”

I’ll spare you, but I had to send a picture of it to Tony. It was like a soda can made of poop.

Since my last post Teno has become totally obsessed with feminine hygiene products, even insisting that I stick a maxi pad in his diaper a few weeks ago. Today he took apart a tampon (um, unused, of course) and was looking at me through the card board tube. “Hu-woah, mama! See you!” I can generally keep them out of sight, out of mind, but considering I haven’t gone to the bathroom solo in almost three years, he sees things most kids shouldn’t see.

Teno has also developed a hilarious new way of speaking. It’s like Snoop Dogg, only way cuter. He adds extra letters to everything for no reason. Grandma is now Grammet. Uh-oh is now uh-op. It’s secret Teno language that only we understand. And if you ask something like “Are you ready for a bath?” he will answer “no bath!” But if you ask something like “Would you like a marshmallow?” he’ll say “OK marshmallow!”

Well, considering he’s in the other room, sitting on his potty chair, perched upon the couch, watching Go, Potty Go! I should relocate him before Tony gets home and has a total germ freak out. No one lick my couch. Ever.

It dawned on me when some friends came to visit one day and were horrified to find me watching Raging Bull with an 8-month-old Teno in my lap: eventually, I will need to make some serious decisions about this kid.

For the most part, the decisions have been easy. He’ll be a vegetarian until he doesn’t want to be one anymore; he’ll always wear name-brand shoes; and if he turns out to be gay Tony and I will make a Slater float for the Pride Parade. (Although his crude sense of humor and facination with boobs tells me I may never get that float.)

But now the time has come for some serious decision-making. Teno is swearing. Jo (Teno’s grandma) said he was lying on my bed shouting “fuck” the other day, which is entirely possible considering how often Tony and I use it. This afternoon Teno kicked me and called me an asshole after witnessing Tony and joking around. He also called Tony stupid.

We laughed of course, and I’d like to say that we’re going to start a swear jar and nip this in the bud, but Tony and I just aren’t “darn it” kind of people. We’re “god mother fucking damn it” kind of people.

Hear me out- swearing babies have their up sides. First of all, it’s really funny. Second, most people can’t understand babies anyway. What I know for a fact is “shit” just sounds like “sh! sh!” to other people. Third, only weirdos don’t swear. My grandma swears. My mom swears. Teno’s grandma swears. If you’re reading this and you don’t swear… fuck that, you swear too. Everyone fucking swears. The trick is, do you do it well? Do you swear gracefully or do you cuss like a sailor? Do you sprinkle your conversations with the occasional four-letter-word or do you rely on bad language to patch up the gaps in your vocabulary?

That being said, it’s inappropriate to swear in 85% of social situations- kindergarden and play dates being on the top five list of my examples. Adults expect adults to swear, but when an adult encounter a cussing little kid a light goes off. A “this kid has terrible parents” light. I learned that one from my mom- a gradeschool teacher.

So, I guess we’re going to do our best to not laugh hysterically when Teno calls us fuckers. And we should probably stop encouraging him to punch and kick everything. But when he’s older, he’ll be allowed to swear at home, but not at school. It’s important he knows how to swear, though. There’s nothing worse than an awkward cusser. And nothing weirder than a non-cusser.

Fuck shit piss crap.

Good night.

handsome

Originally uploaded by Bake & Destroy!

My sister encouraged me to make a list of Teno’s words, and they’re changing so quickly I think I already forgot some of them. But here’s what I can remember:

• Suck!: said in yelling-form, often accompanied by pointing. This means “I want a sucker.”
• Wah-der: water
• Chai!: see notes on “Suck!” only for chai
• Poop: this is actually his weiner. He calls it “poop”
• Snose: nose
• Eye
• Hair
• Toes
• Big toe
• Foot
• Da Mama: this is me
• Dah-yee: daddy
• Hot
• Code: cold
• Shoe
• Socks (he demands to wear them at all times, by the way)
• Thomas
• Percy
• Hen-yee: Henry
• Wed-word: Edward
• Hogar: Gordan
• Emee: Emily (he says all the Thomas character’s names)
• Ship: Bishop (our friend’s little boy)
• B: Baron (our other friend’s little boy)
• Pup Pup: dogs, puppies and also Blue from Blue’s Clues
• A blue: A clue
• Geem: green
• Bwoo: blue
• Halp: help
• Stuck: I don’t think he’s ever literally been stuck, this is a catch-all for “I’m not where I want to be”
• Bike
• Buth: bus
• Side: outside
• No
• Yes: said when you tell him no
• Knee: also “my knee” which is always skinned and in need of attention
• Chalk: chocolate
• Quack: graham crackers
• Bites: Yogo bites
• gum
• Rye Ree: ice cream

There’s more… I’m already forgetting them.
Oh, also:
Percy = green= 6
Gordon= blue= 4
Thomas= blue = 1
James= red= 5

If you ask him what color something is and it’s blue he’ll tell you Thomas. Likewise, he points to numbers, like the number 6 and says “James?”

Therefore, Teno = crazy.